At a loss... HELP!

I don't know what to do for/with Asher. He was always very shy...almost to the point that AT TIMES I have wondered if he bordered on autistic. But then there were other times he was so happy and out-going that I realized there was no way he had autistic issues. I thought that since the twins were born so close to him, and since he's never really had time to discover himself, maybe school would help him come out of his shell.  But really... he even gets in a "shy" funk even with Tim and me. It's not just strangers that he gets this way with. 

Asher is the middle child... he has so many of the issues associated with this birth order. I feel so bad for him...makes me wanna cry! He's got the older, super-out-going brother who talks to everyone, is in soccer, and has lots of friends.... and then he's got the younger twins, who-by nature of being twins- get LOTS of attention! When we go to the store, nobody acknowledges him... they talk to Xander (since he's overly friendly) and they talk to the twins... cause they're twins. With twins, there is always SOMETHING to talk about! But poor Asher ...stuck in the middle... breaks my heart because I don't know how to help him. 

So, he's done with his first 2 weeks of school and has so far not said more than a handful of words to the teacher. They have "journal time" every morning where they color in their journal anything at all that they want to color, then they have to tell the teacher aid what they colored so she can write it on the page. He will actually do that assignment AND tell the assistant what the picture is, but that's as far as the cooperating will go. Any other project or assignment the teacher gives, he refuses to do- he tells me later "I didn't want to!" He won't talk to the teacher at all. He won't even smile - if he's playing with the kids on the playground and laughing and he notices the teacher looking at him, he'll do a complete turn around and stop smiling! 

As soon as he gets in the van to go home, he tells me all about his day...talking non-stop! Yesterday he even told me he learned how to spell red. And there is a song about how to spell it. He proceeded to spell it for me and sing the song! He is learning... he's taking it all in... he's just refusing to communicate or do the assignments.

We've tried taking things away... if he doesn't cooperate in class, he doesn't get to play Nintendo, he doesn't get dessert after dinner, and he has to go to bed early. He HATES going to bed first- we just started that yesterday, so maybe that'll do the trick! I'm trying HARD to keep it positive... instead of saying:

If you're bad, you don't get candy, you don't get Nintendo, and you have to go to bed first

I'm trying to remember to say:

If you choose to be good at school, you will get dessert and Nintendo AND you'll get to stay up with Xander!!

See, it says the same thing, BUT one is positive and one is negative. So, I'm trying to mentally force myself to keep with the positive one. I hug him ALL the time saying, "You're such a good boy, let's try to show Mr Cooper and Mrs Lisa that you're a great kid!" 

Then, this morning, I overhear him telling Jonathan, "I am not playing Nintendo today because I'm not going to be a good listener at school!"

UGH.... so it IS all about control! Kids have control over SO LITTLE in life. But they CAN control who they talk to and what they do. I cannot force him to speak, and he knows that! He knows that unless he chooses to speak, there is nothing we can do about it! How do you make a kid do what you want to do? The teacher said that he's learned that in a power struggle with a child, the adult will always lose. Because, even if the adult "wins" ... it's not good for the kid. So, he's talking to Asher like he talks to all the other kids- giving him the same opportunities as the other kids... not treating him differently. Knowing that Asher will not come around until HE is ready to.

So, today, I told the assistant that if he doesn't do his work, then I would like them to send it home. He can NOT learn before he's even 5 years old that if he says, "I don't want to" that he doesn't have to. He needs to learn that whether he wants to do classwork or not, he has to do it. He will not be in control here... he doesn't have to talk, but he does have to do what he is told to do. He needs to learn that school is about learning... that in order to learn, he has to do his assignments. So, we shall see when he gets out of school today if it was a good day or if he'll be sitting at the kitchen table to get his work done then going to bed early.

I am 100% open to suggestions. I am at such a loss for what to do for him- for how to help him open up and communicate. I want what every mommy wants- for my son to be well-adjusted, well-liked and to enjoy school... I just don't know what I can do to make that possible! I love him so much and my heart breaks to see him unhappy there!