As if it was yesterday....

I recently began a journey of reading through Francine Rivers' books. I am currently reading my 5th book in as many weeks!  The last one I read was about a prostitute who began her "business" after a long life- starting at age 8- of sexual abuse. The book I began yesterday is all about a girl who was raped and ended up pregnant. 

It's crazy how I can watch movies or shows that touch on these topics and my emotions aren't AS involved. But as I read through this book, so many memories come flashing before me. It has been 24 years, but reading this book brought back emotions that make it seem like yesterday.

I had to stop reading at one point...It's crazy how the devil can bring up hurt even when reading a Christian book! As I read, all of the hurt and the tears and the pain came flooding in.

 My heart...

still broken...

all of the questions coming back to me:

"What could I have done differently?"

"Did I do something to deserve it?"

"If God loves me so much why didnt he stop it?'

"How could this person that I know and love and trust do something so horrific?"

As I read about her telling her mother for the first time, I remember- clear as day- how I told MY mom. I remember being so scared to tell her that I held it inside for 4 years. FOUR years of telling nobody. Four years of keeping it to myself. Four years of hurt. I spent that four years depressed, wanting to die, wishing there was something I could do that take away the hurt and despair. When I finally told her, it was SO freeing. I felt like a new person- I could FINALLY begin to heal! 

I went through "therapy"... this shrink told me that I was angry and needed to get in touch with my anger. I was NEVER angry. I was hurt... the person was a close friend. I was hurt and crushed and sad... but never angry. I quit going to therapy after he kept insisting that I *MUST* be angry. BUT, he said one thing that has stuck with me for all of these years ...

"I want you to get to a point that you can talk about this event as if it was as common as a broken arm."

I didn't get it at first, but then I realized what he meant. He wanted me to be "okay" enough emotionally that talking about it wouldn't get me so emotionally undone. He wanted me to be "at peace" about it all.... as much as I COULD be "at peace".

It has only been by the grace of God that I am able to talk about it now. I still hurt; when I think of him and/or his family, my mind goes back to *that* place, but I can share what happened now and NOT have it consume me. I am healed of that depression and despair because GOD is bigger than anything that can happen here on earth! I have learned over the years that God was not to blame; nor was I! God didn't bring this event to my life- He brought me THROUGH it! He carried me for those four years when I felt so alone. He was there every step of the way; quietly speaking to my heart and leading me where I needed to be at just the right time. He has wrapped me in His arms of love and comfort- with a peace that passes ALL understanding. 

I get that scripture now...

Philippians 4:7

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

The world doesn't think I should be emotionally "okay" ...ever. The world doesn't understand being at peace with it. The world is clueless! GOD gives me a peace that transcends all understanding. When "science" says I am angry, GOD said I have peace!

So, while reading this book has brought up many emotions, I am reminded of how much God has done to heal my heart! I can't imagine going through what I went through WITHOUT Him in my life. I can't imagine trying to deal without HIS peace. 

Thank you, God, for the reminder of how big you are;

 of how in-control you are; 

of how AWESOME you are! 

Thank you, God, for healing my heart and bringing me through such a hurtful time in my life!