Five Minute Friday: LOST

Linking up with hundreds of other bloggers today for our weekly Five Minute Friday post! (Click that link to see what it's all about!!)  Today we talk about the word "LOST" for five minutes of unscripted, unedited writing. Five minutes to share the first thing that comes to mind about the one word that Lisa Jo Baker gives to us... more than 200 bloggers posting about the same topic, yet having so many different things to share! It always amazes me how different the posts can be when all about the same topic!

So, here it goes!!

START

I remember, when I was a child, the school always told us,

 "If you are ever lost from your parents, stay right where you are, 

don't go looking. Let them find you!" 

So when I was 9 or 10 years old, my mom and I went with some family friends to Six Flags Over Texas, and I got lost!! I was SOOOOO scared. I remembered what I had learned at school, so I just sat down outside of one of the rides and waited for my mom to find me!! And she did! I was thrilled. I remember, still today after all these years, the sense of relief when my mom came around the corner looking for me! I was lost, but then I was found! I knew at that moment, that I was safe and everything would be okay!!

The same sense of relief happened when God came to me... where I was... LOST away from Him. That moment that I broke down and realized that I was lost without Him. He was right there... He brought me out of "LOST" and into "FOUND"! I was thrilled!! I was so relieved that I would never be alone again... He would be with me every step of the way from that moment on! I would be safe, and everything would be okay!

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.
That saved a wretch like me.

I once was LOST, but now I'm found.

Was blind, but now I see!"

STOP

Failure vs confidence

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one." 

Elbert Hubbard

Something about me that you may not know is that I struggle all too often with LACK of confidence. I have an internal battle with myself anytime I am faced with something new. 

The terror is paralyzing at times.

Remember my post about going to the movies alone recently? That was one of those moments...but it turned out okay, and I have gone alone to several movies since!!!

Another example... several years ago, I was nominated and elected (out of the blue) to be the PRESIDENT of my twin mommy group. Me!? In charge and responsible for a non-profit organization... leading monthly group meetings AND monthly board meetings. 

I.was.freaking.out...

TOTALLY! 

I expected to volunteer for a side job, one that didn't draw attention too much attention to myself! I will never forget the night of my first meeting... I called my friend, Shannon, in tears. Paralyzed with the fear of being in front of people in a leadership role. She was my rock that night, she helped me through. And guess what? I absolutely loved being president with those awesome ladies, and I'd still be willing to do it if it weren't for silly term limits!

Most recently, I am embarking on a couple of new adventures. First, as a Scentsy consultant; secondly, as a school employee.  Neither opportunity has begun as of yet, but I am sooo nervous.

About the home business, I WANT to do it, and I absolutely love the product, but I am scared to fail and let my friend down who is getting me started. I stress about whether or not I can get the sales I need to maintain. I don't like "sales".. I like helping people, not depending on them to buy from me in order to make money. That's why I have a customer service job!!

Regarding the school job, I am stressing about the kids. Can I keep them under control? Will I be the one that the teachers request to NOT call back? Will I be the one they love? Can I actually make a difference in the lives of the students in such a short time? I told my friend, Michele, that I never saw myself working in the school. She pointed out that, DUH, I attended bible college with the emphasis in children's ministry...why WOULDN'T I see myself working with kids? She's absolutely right!!

My pal, Tamara, helped me tonight. She was "psycho-analyzing" me about why it is that I think I fear failure...have I ever just had an epic failure? No...not really... I have no clue... but in talking it out, I had an "AHA! Moment!"  

She asked if I ever feared my marriage failing because my parents' did.

I said that I had determined in my heart and mind that we would not fail no matter what; and that we'd succeed!

So then, why can I not determine in my heart and mind that I WILL succeed in everything I set out to do? What's with this unrealistic fear? 

I CAN do ALL things through Him who gives me strength!! I don't have to fear failure and rejection, because, in Him, I have already won; in Him I can achieve anything I set my mind to! Relying on my Father makes all the difference! I don't have to worry, if I let Him be in control!

It's a daily sacrifice... but to press on, I have to give it to Him so that I can overcome this stupid fear. Fear is not of God; therefore, it has no right staying around!!

Wordless Wednesday

Berry-Picking Boni Bunch!

For the last couple of years, my fellow twin mommy friends have raved about their experiences with taking their kiddos to pick berries... some even said, "It's not that far from your house, you should go." But we never went. 

TODAY was the day... today we went!!

I now wish we had gone sooner... it was SO FUN!!

The way it works is you can pick and pick and pick during their business hours (5hours/day). Pick as much as you want as often as you want. You can buy everything you pick for $3/lb OR you can do their "share" program. For every 2 pounds you give them of what you've picked, you get one free!! 

 

It was a tad-bit windy!!

So, it's a fun AND FREE activity for the kids and me... AND they technically paid us in blueberries to harvest their crops!

 I LOVE THIS DEAL!!

We picked for just over an hour and we accumulated 12 pounds of berries. So we got to keep 4 pounds for ourselves. 

WOW... do you know how many blueberries that makes?? I gave some to mom and MIL and we still have 2 full freezer bags of them! PLUS, the cool part is that we can go as often as we want and get more.

Why on earth didn't I do this sooner??

The kids had a blast!! We found lots of fun creepy bugs, and we even found a bird nest in one of the bushes!! AND, the nest had eggs.... three of them!! Super cool, right!!?? 

We will definitely go back again before the blueberries are all gone.... We loved this experience!!

 

Five Minute Friday: Messenger

 

Today I am linking up with Lisa Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday. Every Friday a couple hundred bloggers unite their thoughts and hearts to blog about the same prompt word. I love reading posts from other people and seeing all of the varying viewpoints all about that one word.

Today's word stumped me... 

MESSENGER

START...

I sat here looking at that word completely dumbfounded. What on earth could I write about. The first thought in my mind was "Don't kill the messenger!" And I wondered what I could do with that quote... I came up lacking... still clueless.

But then it hit me.

On occasion I feel like a loser, like a dork struggling to be "cool", wanting to "fit in" with the "better" moms or the "more spiritual" Christian women. I find myself over-thinking the why's or why nots of life. Why didn't she call? Why didn't she want to meet me at the park with the kids? What did I do wrong? Have I not heard from her in so long because she doesn't want to be my friend?

All of these are lies of the devil. The dummy is telling me that I am not good enough or that I'm not worthy.

He is a TERRIBLE messenger.
The kind of messenger I'd LOVE to shoot!!

But then, I get a card from a friend telling me I've been on her mind. Or a text asking if I want to get together for coffee. Or a call from someone thanking me for a great chat. Strangers compliment me on my well-behaved kids! OR... I find just the right scripture reminding me who I am in Christ!!

These are the great truths from my Father. These are the things the Bible says to think on. These people are my messengers sent from God as my reminder of His love. A reminder that He puts the right people in my life at just the right time...to be the uplifting messenger that I need!

Thanks, God, for your messengers of truth!

STOP

10 on Ten- June

The tenth of the month...

the one day a month that I share with you

a day in the life of a Boni Mommy!

Enjoy!

Dropping the kids off at Vacation Bible School

 

Oh my WOW... so excited about this empty couch
and my empty house while the kids are at VBS!!

 

My all-time favorite Scentsy warmer- isn't it purty?

 

My four plus one extra- picking up the kids from VBS

 

I cut the boys' hair today... and they didn't scream!
WIN!!!

 

I love it when the kids ask for mac-n-cheese...
I LOVE  MAC-N-CHEESE!!!

 

Wii time... our source of entertainment during summer vacation!

 

My nap buddy, Juno! He loves snuggling at sleep-time!

 

Santa Vader with his peeps! LOL!!!

 

I think my Xan-Man has a migraine ...he's feeling puny!
Jonathan ALWAYS photo-bombs!!

These Kids...

How can you look at these faces and not be completely in love!?

They are my heart :-)

Plan A- Mine or HIS?

Today's 5 minute Friday topic is HANDS.... I have had something on my heart and mind for a few days that I've wanted to share, and "hands" is a good theme... placing MY will into the HANDS of God ...waiting for HIS will!! 

I am not convinced that this will only take 5 minutes, but I'm linking up anyways....

I have always heard that God answers every single prayer. 

He will either say, 

YES

NO

or

WAIT FOR MY WILL TO PLAY OUT

While I would LOVE for the answer to every prayer I pray to be "YES," that is not always the case. God has things in store for me that I am clueless of. He has a plan to prosper me, not to harm me... plans for a HOPE and a FUTURE!! (Jeremiah 29:11)  God, in His infinite wisdom, can see the BIG picture of my life and knows what is best for me... and can not always tell me yes to my every request.

I often wonder how I will know if God is telling me "No," or if He is saying to wait for what He has in store. Most times MY time schedule isn't HIS.  Sometimes I wish that He would give me a glimpse of what the future holds... it would make life so much easier if I just KNEW what was ahead. 

But NOT knowing gives me the opportunity to walk in faith. To trust HIS perfect plan for my life. My plan is not always HIS. But, His grace is sufficient for me! (2 Corinthians 12:9)  In my human brain, it's so hard to just place my heart in His hands and wait for His will to play out in my life. But I know that I need to remain content in any and every situation (Philippian 4:12) and not worry about tomorrow! (Matthew 6:34)!

A friend once said to me, "People demand free will to choose what to do with their lives, but the moment something bad happens, they immediately blame God." This is sadly true....

I remember praying so hard that my uncle would be healed of his throat cancer. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I was so hurt that he didn't get healed. I ignored the fact that, in spite of his tracheotomy, he still smoked and drank- he would just plug up the hole in his throat to do so. I so badly wanted God to heal him in spite of his choices to continue hurting himself. God will not force Himself upon those who are unwilling to receive. While He is a God who wants the best for all, and He desires that nobody perishes (2 Peter 3:9), He always gives us the will to choose. He allows us the opportunity to choose where we go and what we do in life.

6 years ago, I applied for a promotion at work. I just "KNEW" it was going to be my job. I knew because of the people who interviewed, I was the best qualified... I KNEW because I had the most experience... I was a shoo-in! When the final decision was made, I was crushed... the manager who interviewed me said that he hired someone with no supervisory experience in order to give him the opportunity to advance.

WHAT?????!!!!???

I was so very confused. I just knew it was my job. THEN... about 2 weeks after that, I discovered that I was pregnant with the twins. While I didn't understand the reason in the moment that I got the "NO"  from God, I found that He had something SO MUCH BETTER in store! He is so much bigger than my circumstances. He knows what's ahead. He knew that I couldn't take that promotion because it would have been a lot more physically demanding than my current position; and with a twin pregnancy, I could not have handled the responsibilities! He knew best! His Plan A was NOT mine... but it all worked together for good!! (Romans 8:28)

Right now, I am praying *hard* about something I want. I know that praying "harder" won't change what HIS plan is for my life.... I need to be content with what I DO know. But I also know that HE knows the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4) That He has a perfect plan for me. That MY plan...how I see things working out... is not necessarily how it will play out...that He sees the biggest picture. A friend told me yesterday that God is bigger... that how things turn out may not look like I expect them to look... 

But HE is in control. I place it all in HIS hands to perfect HIS Plan A for my life...whether HIS Plan A is the same as mine or not! Thank you, God, For your perfect Plan!!

(yes, this took WAY more than my allotted 5 minutes... but oh well!!!)

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans for a hope and a future."

2 Corinthians 12:9 "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you..."

Philippians 4:12 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

Matthew 6:34 " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

2 Peter 3:9 "The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Praying for "Mara"

There is a woman- we'll call her Mara.

That's not her name, but Mara means "bitterness."

I'm not sure if Mara knows HOW to speak anything good. Every conversation that I have with her leaves me feeling bummed and sad and ill. She uses every word to condemn, insult, put down, and trash-talk other people. I have not ever heard her compliment someone. I have never heard her say anything positive about anything. Every situation is negative. Everyone is out to do wrong. Nobody has any good in them. Everyone is deceptive. Nobody is good enough.

I can't help but wonder what happened in her life to make her so painfully bitter. I can't imagine living so miserably. I wonder if she even realizes that every thing out of her mouth is negative. I wonder if she ever notices how depressive she is. I wonder how badly she has been hurt in her life to NOT see anything good.

I don't know how to handle her. I am always so uppity and peppy and happy... but my most recent encounter with her sent me to another room in tears.

Heart-broken FOR HER. 

Sad FOR HER. 

PRAYING... FOR HER!

I'm sure you have a Mara in your life...surely someone came to mind in your life as you were reading this. I encourage you to pray for that person!

Pray that they will find the peace and joy of God. 

Pray that HIS love will so fill their lives that there is not any room at all for the bitterness and hatefulness.

Pray that they can discover whatever has hardened their hearts so they can let it go and move into the joy that God has for their life!

 I pray for myself that, before I speak, I ensure that my words will only build up and edify. I pray that I not allow myself to slip into the trap of bitterness. I pray that God will create in my a clean heart and renew a RIGHT spirit within me! I pray that He will keep the joy of my salvation fresh; that my spirit will remain open and willing to serve Him; that when I open my mouth, I will declare HIS praises and sing of HIS righteousness! (Psalm 51:10-15)

As if it was yesterday....

I recently began a journey of reading through Francine Rivers' books. I am currently reading my 5th book in as many weeks!  The last one I read was about a prostitute who began her "business" after a long life- starting at age 8- of sexual abuse. The book I began yesterday is all about a girl who was raped and ended up pregnant. 

It's crazy how I can watch movies or shows that touch on these topics and my emotions aren't AS involved. But as I read through this book, so many memories come flashing before me. It has been 24 years, but reading this book brought back emotions that make it seem like yesterday.

I had to stop reading at one point...It's crazy how the devil can bring up hurt even when reading a Christian book! As I read, all of the hurt and the tears and the pain came flooding in.

 My heart...

still broken...

all of the questions coming back to me:

"What could I have done differently?"

"Did I do something to deserve it?"

"If God loves me so much why didnt he stop it?'

"How could this person that I know and love and trust do something so horrific?"

As I read about her telling her mother for the first time, I remember- clear as day- how I told MY mom. I remember being so scared to tell her that I held it inside for 4 years. FOUR years of telling nobody. Four years of keeping it to myself. Four years of hurt. I spent that four years depressed, wanting to die, wishing there was something I could do that take away the hurt and despair. When I finally told her, it was SO freeing. I felt like a new person- I could FINALLY begin to heal! 

I went through "therapy"... this shrink told me that I was angry and needed to get in touch with my anger. I was NEVER angry. I was hurt... the person was a close friend. I was hurt and crushed and sad... but never angry. I quit going to therapy after he kept insisting that I *MUST* be angry. BUT, he said one thing that has stuck with me for all of these years ...

"I want you to get to a point that you can talk about this event as if it was as common as a broken arm."

I didn't get it at first, but then I realized what he meant. He wanted me to be "okay" enough emotionally that talking about it wouldn't get me so emotionally undone. He wanted me to be "at peace" about it all.... as much as I COULD be "at peace".

It has only been by the grace of God that I am able to talk about it now. I still hurt; when I think of him and/or his family, my mind goes back to *that* place, but I can share what happened now and NOT have it consume me. I am healed of that depression and despair because GOD is bigger than anything that can happen here on earth! I have learned over the years that God was not to blame; nor was I! God didn't bring this event to my life- He brought me THROUGH it! He carried me for those four years when I felt so alone. He was there every step of the way; quietly speaking to my heart and leading me where I needed to be at just the right time. He has wrapped me in His arms of love and comfort- with a peace that passes ALL understanding. 

I get that scripture now...

Philippians 4:7

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

The world doesn't think I should be emotionally "okay" ...ever. The world doesn't understand being at peace with it. The world is clueless! GOD gives me a peace that transcends all understanding. When "science" says I am angry, GOD said I have peace!

So, while reading this book has brought up many emotions, I am reminded of how much God has done to heal my heart! I can't imagine going through what I went through WITHOUT Him in my life. I can't imagine trying to deal without HIS peace. 

Thank you, God, for the reminder of how big you are;

 of how in-control you are; 

of how AWESOME you are! 

Thank you, God, for healing my heart and bringing me through such a hurtful time in my life!