I am spent. My emotions and my body are spent. I am so drained.
Back in middle and high school, my parents were foster parents in group homes. One of the girls that was at the home in Colorado was murdered recently... just found out on Wednesday. Very sad to hear this news! The only suspect the police had in the case committed suicide when they started investigating him.
Then, on Thursday, I received word that my father passed away. (The pic to the left is of me as a baby with my mom and dad.) This was, at first, not too upsetting. My father and I never had the "perfect" daddy/daughter relationship.
Most of my memories of my dad were NOT the good ones that a lot of girls can remember when thinking of their dad. But still...he was my dad. But still...there WERE good times. At first when I got the news, I kinda chuckled and said, "I'm surprised I'm not more upset"... but as it sank in, the reality of it all, it hit me...the sadness hit. Then all I could think was how angry I was that ... after all the years of crud in our family because of him, even in his death, he was making me hurt. That I was STILL being hurt by him... and he's not even here. I am almost more mad that I am sad, than actually sad...if that makes any sense!!?? I have been overwhelmed by the love and care and support of my friends on facebook. Everyone saying how sorry they are for the loss of my "daddy".... then I'm a little mad all over again, because honestly, I can't remember calling him "daddy." You know...that "daddy's girl" relationship that most girls take for granted... yep, I never had that! For my whole life, I said I didn't care... it wasn't that important... but let me just tell you... now that he's gone and I know that I will NEVER have that opportunity... I must admit, I was always jealous of that relationship that other girls had! I can count on one hand the number of times we've talked in the last 5 years... it's sad really. He was not the kind of person to brag about... he was not the person who invested time in creating happy memories... but he was my dad. No matter what kind of stuff he put me through... I still loved him- he was my father! He will be missed!
Tonight, in the midst of my emotional week, I found out that a friend's baby passed away today- it was strange too, he wasn't sick at all- a very happy baby. He was crying...then he quit breathing. My friend tried CPR... worked with 911 trying to resuscitate... paramedics tried...all to no avail. They have no idea what happened... he was only 4 months old. It just breaks my heart for her loss... I can't even imagine the heart ache of losing a baby.
THEN, another girl I met recently delivered stillborn triplets this week.
My brain won't shut off with my own "issues", but now adding these losses in my circle of friends... well, that's why I am wide awake at almost 1am typing this out. HOPING that getting out my thoughts and feelings would help me sleep..... If you've read all of this, thanks for sticking with me. Please pray for me, my mom, my brother and all of these other families I mentioned here. Please pray that I can sleep... I desperately need to sleep!
Back in middle and high school, my parents were foster parents in group homes. One of the girls that was at the home in Colorado was murdered recently... just found out on Wednesday. Very sad to hear this news! The only suspect the police had in the case committed suicide when they started investigating him.
Then, on Thursday, I received word that my father passed away. (The pic to the left is of me as a baby with my mom and dad.) This was, at first, not too upsetting. My father and I never had the "perfect" daddy/daughter relationship.
Most of my memories of my dad were NOT the good ones that a lot of girls can remember when thinking of their dad. But still...he was my dad. But still...there WERE good times. At first when I got the news, I kinda chuckled and said, "I'm surprised I'm not more upset"... but as it sank in, the reality of it all, it hit me...the sadness hit. Then all I could think was how angry I was that ... after all the years of crud in our family because of him, even in his death, he was making me hurt. That I was STILL being hurt by him... and he's not even here. I am almost more mad that I am sad, than actually sad...if that makes any sense!!?? I have been overwhelmed by the love and care and support of my friends on facebook. Everyone saying how sorry they are for the loss of my "daddy".... then I'm a little mad all over again, because honestly, I can't remember calling him "daddy." You know...that "daddy's girl" relationship that most girls take for granted... yep, I never had that! For my whole life, I said I didn't care... it wasn't that important... but let me just tell you... now that he's gone and I know that I will NEVER have that opportunity... I must admit, I was always jealous of that relationship that other girls had! I can count on one hand the number of times we've talked in the last 5 years... it's sad really. He was not the kind of person to brag about... he was not the person who invested time in creating happy memories... but he was my dad. No matter what kind of stuff he put me through... I still loved him- he was my father! He will be missed!Tonight, in the midst of my emotional week, I found out that a friend's baby passed away today- it was strange too, he wasn't sick at all- a very happy baby. He was crying...then he quit breathing. My friend tried CPR... worked with 911 trying to resuscitate... paramedics tried...all to no avail. They have no idea what happened... he was only 4 months old. It just breaks my heart for her loss... I can't even imagine the heart ache of losing a baby.
THEN, another girl I met recently delivered stillborn triplets this week.
My brain won't shut off with my own "issues", but now adding these losses in my circle of friends... well, that's why I am wide awake at almost 1am typing this out. HOPING that getting out my thoughts and feelings would help me sleep..... If you've read all of this, thanks for sticking with me. Please pray for me, my mom, my brother and all of these other families I mentioned here. Please pray that I can sleep... I desperately need to sleep!
Rachel, you are in my prayers... Just want you to know.
ReplyDeleteRach--you know I'm praying for you and will continue to do so. I will also add all of these sweet and precious people to my prayers. I cannot begin to imagine the pain they are feeling, but our Heavenly Father can. He lost His Son once, too. :) I will lift them up to the great Healer and trust that He will bring them through. I love you, friend, and I am here if you need me.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear of your losses. I know it is hard when you have a strained relationship with your father...I have the same thing. It is a complicated mix of emotions.
ReplyDeleteI get it. I can say all that about all my parents. I'm very familiar with that feeling of jealousy and the feelings of sadness. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You have had a full week. I'm hoping this week is a little calmer and happier for you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Rachel, you are in our prayers!
ReplyDelete