Letting It Go!!

For twelve years I have held on to something that needs to be let go!

To say that I have been bitter is a major understatement.  

It all centers around my wedding. 

Let me take you back to just over 12years ago....

My bridesmaids and maid of honor all came in from out of state.  So I had a dear friend locally who was my "personal attendant."  She was my life-saver in my world of OCD wedding planning.  She was my sanity when I felt like I was losing It! We spent hours and hours making centerpieces for the reception.... and they were PERFECT!  Since she knows the area and my out-of-town friends did not,  she was in charge of my bachelorette party! Everything was coming together so right! 

Then, the week of my wedding,  my girls starting flying into town.  They were excited to jump in and help pull everything together. My personal attendant,  CLOSE FRIEND,  left town.  

WHAT!?

   She did.  She left town only a couple days before the wedding.  She had my centerpieces; she was planning my bachelorette party. But she was gone.  She said her grandpa was ill...

She didn't show up for the wedding. 

When I returned from my honeymoon,  she said to me, 

"I forgive you for not checking on my grandpa."  

I was crushed.  So hurt by my friend.  And I tried not to be. I told myself that if I were a better friend,  I would've asked about her grandpa (who was fine,  BTW). BUT then it occurred to me that,  hello.... it was the biggest day of my life, it's natural that I wasn't thinking of anyone but myself, right!?

Anyways....

 

As time passed, my relationship with her was never the same.  We talked occasionally, but when I thought of her,   I thought of her abandoning me. When I thought of her,  I was reminded of my centerpieces.... Yes it is trivial,  but after the hours spent on them....ugh!   When I thought of her, I remembered my non-existent bachelorette party.  When I though of her,  I was bitterly sad-broken inside by a very dear friend who wasn't there for me when I needed her.
I have held this hurt for way too long.
 

 I was reading The Mrs. Pastor's blog recently about hard hearts and hurt feelings, and I knew in my heart that I needed to let THIS go. At the time,  I didn't know why the Holy Spirit spoke to me about this situation out of the blue while reading this post,  But that has been on my heart for the last couple days.  AND THEN.... yesterday,  I met up with her. 

The conversation began with her saying that something has been on her heart for a long time and she needed to talk to me about it.  She went on to explain that her feelings were hurt when all of my girls came in from out of town and wanted to do stuff for my wedding. She said that she was being silly and when her feelings got hurt, she left town- essentially to pout! She finished by saying she's always felt awful for missing the biggest day of her best friend's life, and that she new it was silly!

I sat there looking at her, almost in tears. All this time that I've been upset bitter about the situation, she has been feeling bad about it. All this time of hurt that we never talked about... she apologized for not being there for me. I told her that I forgive her! And the sense of relief was AMAZING! 

Now, today.... today when I've thought of her, I'm not thinking about all the hurt- I am thinking about how sincere her apology was. I am thinking of how hurt she must have been years ago to have left town. I am thinking of how I held on to bitterness for WAY too long. I am thinking that I now have to LET IT GO!! I can no longer associate her with hurt- forgiveness means moving on after hurt. Yes, the hurt was there, the pain DID exist. Forgiveness doesn't make it go away, but it gives the freedom to move on.

I am excited for our friendship to start anew. I am excited to LET IT GO and move on!

Thank you, God, that even after 12 years of hurt, you can heal and restore!